How to have better sex than Paris Hilton
Feb 6, 2008
If you haven’t seen the Paris Hilton sex tape, you aren’t missing anything. Badly lit bad sex is badly lit bad sex no matter how much money you have. We watched it and didn’t get it. You have to remember that we are in the sex education business, so this isn’t our first rodeo. Fred Topel described what we were feeling in his article “Paris Hilton Responses – More on the Paris Hilton Phenomenon” on About site when he discussed Ms. Hilton’s television show, The Simple Life:
We think you can add having sex to farming and serving fast food as something that Paris was clearly never trained for. Just goes to show you that good sex education is hard to come by, no matter where you went to school. As you can imagine, this is perfectly okay with us.
We may be at an unfair disadvantage because we’ve seen “1 Night in Paris ” and we are hoping that most of our customers haven’t. Let’s see, how to describe the Paris Hilton sex video. The film was apparently shot with night vision goggles since most of it takes place in a tiny, dimly lit circle that reminds us of looking through binoculars from the wrong end. The obviously excited cameraman (and soon-to-be Paris Hilton sex partner) jerks the camera around the room so wildly we suggest taking Dramamine before viewing.
The sex is fast and very forgettable reminding us of our early sex fumbling where hormones race all over the good stuff. A good time may have been had at the hormonal level, but we hope Paris ’ next partner has at least heard that women can have orgasms too, and knows a little female anatomy, like the existence and location of the g-spot. “Paris Hilton’s g-spot” are three words we never thought we would string together in this lifetime.
This brings us to our last point before we share our 5 Tips for Better Sex than Paris Hilton. Is the Paris Hilton Phenomenon, as Chang Liu asked in The Harvard Independent, “Armageddon?” We think not, we don’t take ourselves nearly as seriously as our friends in Cambridge and we listen to our mothers. Our mothers tell us, “This too shall pass.” We understand that even when the Paris Hilton Phenomenon does pass that Paris will still have way more money than we do for no good reason and that’s okay because one thing we know for sure right now – we are having better sex than Paris Hilton. Take advantage of at least one of the tips outlined below and we bet you can have better sex than Paris , too.
We are hoping that Paris ’ stint on the farm taught her that everything has a rhythm. Day follows night, you milk the cows in the morning and slow down when you are having sex. Good sex – just like good writing, good cooking and just about good anything – needs timing and suspense. Suspense is best achieved by keeping some secrets, as hard as this may be to do in our voyeuristic culture. A knowing look, as hard as this may be for the “Simple Life’s” star, could be just as (to use one of Paris ’ favorite phrases) “hot” as teenage panting. Timing is really about pacing and we can sum up our advice here succinctly and simply – SLOW DOWN.
If sex with a partner is going to be better than sex with yourself, both parties need to at least acknowledge the other. It is possible, as Paris and her excited and fast partner prove, to have sex with yourself while someone else is in the room, of course this is not nearly as much fun. Guide your partner, give your partner feedback, show them what you like and you will realize the benefits of sex as the ultimate team sport.
Lube is fun. It is slippery, exciting and useful since it makes things slide around. Lube is also a great foreplay aid.
Wham, bam thank you ma’am doesn’t work for us and it looked like it wasn’t really that great for Ms. Hilton. Take that time you’ve created from slowing down and do a little exploration. Discover your partner’s nooks and crannies. What does your partner taste like? Where are those secret spots that aren’t in any textbooks but work great for your significant other? Paint with your fingers. Use some warming lotion to warm up that engine. Learn some basic anatomy. Know where your partner is sensitive. If your partner is a man, then know something about his penis, which is sensitive just about anywhere, especially the head. If your partner is a woman, know how to find her clitoris and g-spot. Remember our first rule of thumb: when in doubt, ask! This piece of advice can save you from having bad sex over and over again.
If you are an heiress and your partner shows up with a video camera, we suggest you find a new partner. Hello, what was Paris Hilton thinking? Returning to the land of the non-billionaires, we would stress that sex in a dark closet is about as fun as it sounds. Set the mood. Get out those candles you’ve been saving for the next time the power goes off, dim the lights, turn the television off and put on some sexy music. Life is a stage and great sex needs a little set decoration. We are visual animals. We take our clues from our partners and our surroundings. If your partner shows up with a camera, we suggest you exit stage left since that hardly counts as "stage setting."
Better Sex